Interfaith wedding officiant
LETTER 1 of 2
I don’t mean to bother you but this is disturbing my mind and I need an educated explanation.
I was at a Muslim Sister’s Fashion Show (predominately African American sisters) when during casual conversation a young sister (mid 20s) stated that her husband is Christian. This as you can image created quite a stir. She was immediately verbally attacked. She tried to defend herself by saying that he did not prohibit her from practicing Islam and he has agreed that the children will be Muslim. She was advised to divorce him.
I don’t know if they were married and she converted or if she was already Muslim when they married. She was under such a heavy attack that I could not get that question in. However this issue is one that I need to understand because I can’t adequately explain why there is a prohibition for the Muslim female in marrying from the people of the book and there is no prohibition for the Muslim male. More often than not I hear all non Muslims classified as kufar.
The only explanation I can provide is that the Quran specifies that the male can marry a Christian or Jewish woman. Since he is the head of the household the expectation is that he will respect her rights and the children will take his religion. Really in actuality from what I’ve seen this is not the case. The woman has so much pressure put on her to abandon her beliefs that she eventually gives in or gets out of the marriage.
I have been asked does the Quran specifically prohibit the Muslim woman from marrying a Christian or Jewish male. My understanding is the only specific prohibition is for polytheist. Am I wrong?
This is a big issue for African Americans especially because of the rate of conversion. There are instances where the husband converts and the wife does not. This is not seen as a problem. However there are instances where the wife converts and the husband does not. It doesn’t matter whether they have been together 2 years or 20 years, the advice the sister receives is to divorce him.
Then there are the cases of sisters whose preference is to marry within their race but there are not enough suitable African American Muslim men at least in this city. They resign themselves to being celibate forever.
When I say suitable African American Muslim men, I mean those who are knowledgeable about the Deen and truly strive to practice it, those who have truly accepted the role and responsibilities of the Muslim male and do not demand that the woman provide more financially for them than they provide for her, those who are not extremist, those who have not been married and divorced 3, 4 or 5 times with children all over the place, those who are not trying to have several wives when they can’t afford to take care of one, etc. This is airing dirty laundry but so be it, this is our harsh reality.
[Name withheld for privacy]
Al-salamu ‘alaykum sister:
First I should apologize for the long time it has taken me to respond to your message. As you might have heard, I have been rather ill. But on a happier note, recently we were blessed with a wonderful baby boy.
But I should confess that there is another reason for the delay. This is a difficult issue to deal with. I did receive a large number of inquiries about this same issue, and I have tended to avoid responding to them because I am not exactly very excited about handling this weighty and serious problem.
Surprising to me, all schools of thought prohibited a Muslim woman from marrying a man who is a kitabi (among the people of the book). I am not aware of a single dissenting opinion on this, which is rather unusual for Islamic jurisprudence because Muslim jurists often disagreed on many issues, but this is not one of them.
All jurists agreed that a Muslim man or woman may not marry a mushrik [one who associates partners with God–there is a complex and multi-layered discourse on who is to be considered a mushrik, but we will leave this for a separate discussion]. However, because of al-Ma’ida verse 5, there is an exception in the case of a Muslim man marrying a kitabiyya. There is no express prohibition in the Qur’an or elsewhere about a Muslim woman marrying a kitabi. However, the jurists argued that since express permission was given to men, by implication women must be prohibited from doing the same. The argument goes: If men needed to be given express permission to marry a kitabiyya, women needed to be given express permission as well, but since they were not given any such permission then they must be barred from marrying a kitabi.
The justification for this rule was two-fold: 1) Technically, children are given the religion of their father, and so legally speaking, the offspring of a union between a Muslim male and a kitabiyya would still be Muslim; 2)It was argued that Muslim men are Islamically prohibited from forcing their wives to become Muslim. Religious coercion is prohibited in Islam. However, in Christianity and Judaism a similar prohibition against coercion does not exist. According to their own religious law, Muslim jurists argued, Christian men may force their Muslim wives to convert to their (the husbands’) religion. Put differently, it was argued, Islam recognizes Christianity and Judaism as valid religions, but Judaism and Christianity do not recognize the validity of Islam as a religion. Since it was assumed that the man is the stronger party in a marriage, it was argued that Christian and Jewish men will be able to compel their Muslim wives to abandon Islam. (If a Muslim man would do the same, he would be violating Islamic law and committing a grave sin).
Importantly, the Hanafi, Maliki, and Shafi’i jurists held that it is reprehensible (makruh) for Muslim men to marry a kitabiyya if they live in non-Muslim countries. They argued that in non-Muslim countries, mothers will be able to influence the children the most. Therefore, there is a high likelihood that the children will not grow up to be good Muslims unless both parents are Muslim. Some jurists even went as far as saying that Muslim men are prohibited from marrying a kitabiyya if they live in non-Muslim countries.
This is the law as it exists or the legal legacy as we inherited it. In all honesty, personally, I am not convinced that the evidence prohibiting Muslim women from marrying a kitabi is very strong. Muslim jurists took a very strong position on this matter–many of them going as far as saying if a Muslim woman marries a kitabi she is as good as an apostate. I think, and God knows best, that this position is not reasonable and the evidence supporting it is not very strong. However, I must confess that in my humble opinion, I strongly sympathize with the jurists that argued that in non-Muslim countries it is reprehensible (makruh) for a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim. God knows best–I have reached this position after observing that the children of these Muslim/non-Muslim marriages in most cases do not grow up with a strong sense of their Islamic identity. It seems to me that in countries like the U.S. it is best for the children if they grow up with a Muslim father and mother. I am not comfortable telling a Muslim woman marrying a kitabi that she is committing a grave sin and that she must terminate her marriage immediately. I do tell such a woman that she should know that by being married to a kitabi that she is acting against the weight of the consensus; I tell her what the evidence is; and then I tell her my own ijtihad on the matter (that it is makruh for both men and women in non-Muslim countries). After telling her all of this, I add that she must always remember that only God knows best; that she should reflect on the matter as hard as she can; then she should pray and plead for guidance from God; and then ultimately she must do what her conscience dictates.
I hope this response helps answer your question. I pray to God to guide us both to what He pleases and wants, and that He helps the sister you wrote me about to find peace and tranquility with whatever decision she makes. God is the best guide and mentor–may He forgive our sins and bless us with His Compassion and Mercy.
With my sincere regards,
Shaykh Khaled Abou El Fadl
LETTER 2 of 2
Good Evening, Sheikh:
I’m a 23-year old Muslim woman living in the U.S. I have a question regarding my relationship with a man I love after reading your post about the Christian Man and Muslim Woman post.
Here’s a little background first: The man I love was born to a Muslim father and a Jewish mother. The father left when he was 1 year old and returned to his home country. He was raised by his mother and so, he was raised Jewish. He even changed his last name from his fathers last name to his mothers. Both of my parents are Muslim. Me and this man would like to get married in the coming years but we’re facing a lot of pushback, mostly from my father. Obviously my father wants us to have a proper Muslim marriage but being that he is Jewish, my parents think that no sheikh will want to marry us. I’ve asked a sheikh before and his advice was to move on and forget this chapter of my life. How can I move on and forget the love of my life just because his father decided to leave? He could have very well stayed and this man would have been a Muslim. So because of his Muslim fathers irresponsible actions, we can’t be happy ? I just need an answer to this question: how can I marry this man in a halal way? We both believe in one God and we’re both good people who do right by others and our parents. I wouldn’t ask him to convert, not only is coercion wrong in our religion but I also would not want him to lose the woman who raised him as a single mother.
Please advise. Thanks.
(Name Withheld for Privacy)
Al-salamu ‘alaykum. Since I do not know you personally, most of what I have to say I have said in this statement: http://www.scholarofthehouse.org/oninma.html.
But to be directly responsive to your question, do I believe that a woman who marries outside of the Muslim faith is a kafir? The answer is no, I do not. Do I believe that it is advisable to marry someone outside the faith? No, I do not. In religious terms, it is among the issues that I would consider makruh (disfavored) for both Muslim men and Muslim women. This is based on a sociological reality that children who grow up with parents not sharing the same faith grow up in a state of confusion, which they resolve often by being faithless. Or if they have any faith, it tends to simply be agnostic. In my over 30 years in the West, working in case after case, all stories begin with love, dreams, and high hopes. Ten, twenty, thirty years later, from my experience and the experience of so many that I have dealt with, the ending is not happy.
There is a quintessential and fundamental question that every man and woman should ask himself/herself. Personally, I cannot be married to someone with whom I cannot pray, fast, celebrate Eid, and perform all my other religious duties. My faith is of such importance to me that I must be able to share it with my partner. In a marriage, you share your body, money, heart, and perhaps your soul. The question you must ask yourself is: Is religion less important or more important to you than all of these things? To me, Islam and its practices are more basic and fundamental than my money, body, heart, or soul. I cherish it more than these things. If I am married to someone with whom I cannot share what I hold the dearest, I feel that I am cheating them, and that the relationship is superficial and insincere. Add to this the position in which the children will be placed as they try to navigate the issues of truth and lack thereof in our modern world.
The only advice I can give you is to ask yourself what role does your faith play in your life? Will you be happy if you are unable to submit to God with your partner according to the teachings of Islam? And how important is it to you that your children are raised firm in their conviction about prayer, fasting, the shahada, and all the other essentials of the faith? Only you can provide the necessary honesty in responding to these questions. When all is said and done, whatever your decision is, I sincerely pray with all my heart that Allah blesses you, aids you, guides you, and that you have success and happiness in your life. And when all is said and done, it is only Allah that can judge you, your intentions and your actions. As is my firm conviction, only Allah knows best.
Al-salamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatu Allah,
Shaykh Khaled Abou El Fadl